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Jacob is clearly still on my mind these days (see last week's SOCS). And I am really bumping up hard against the wall of sadness right now.
Today he went to a birthday party for one of his classmates, and it was way the hell out in the middle of no where in Staten Island and we got thoroughly lost on the way there, but eventually did arrive. and it was just Jake & me because Ethan wouldn't be caught dead with his brother today.
And he was a little disoriented because it was and wasn't like the Chuck E. Cheese in our neighborhood that we go to regularly. And even though we were at a party of Special Ed, kids Jake was still way more out of it than the others, less connected, less THERE.
And it hit me in the chest today, that at almost 9, my son is looking more, rather than less autistic. And his development veers further off form Ethan's. And the shit that you can wave off because he's little and little kids do goofy stuff, well... Not so much anymore.
Now wherever we go, if he is in his "quiet mode" (which despite my complaining that he talks all the time does happen) when people hear me talk to my son, they look at me like "why are you talking to that big kid as if he's still a little kid" but then when he starts to talk and is clearly too loud, too repetitive, too sing-song-y, too simple in his speech for a kid his age they get it.
And then there's "the look". which I just can't take anymore. Sometimes its sympathy and sometimes its pity and sometimes its "Oh, no this is one of those kids, I hope they get off the damn bus soon"
I really am thinking of getting him a t-shirt... maybe one of those "I am autistic. What's YOUR excuse." or "Please be nice to my mom, I have autism" ones?
Because I was getting way too much of "the look" in the women's room at CEC today. And I almost said out loud into the room where nobody said anything to me but I could feel the ice daggers coming out of people's brains "Because he's too autistic to send into the men's room by himself, OK?"
And because I am just so tired of being grim here... here's a bit of levity form my other son:
Ethan tonight was being giddy in the bathroom at bedtime, getting silly and I just didn’t have the energy for it.
Me: ”Ethan, I really hope you’re not going to be a pain in the butt to put to bed tonight.” Ethan: “Well, Mom you know we can’t get everything we wish for, right?”
Smart ass.
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Yeah, that was probably a little over 5 minutes again today. So sue me.
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- Set a timer and write for 5 minutes only.
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